Updates

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write.  In a world of information overload, it is oftentimes difficult to convince myself to add another voice to the millions; that I would have anything new or different to tell.  More and more though, I do not like what it is that I find myself reading, whether on facebook or on the news, and so I’ve sat down to write, to add my voice to the millions, because if I don’t speak then who is there to tell my story? 

I began writing, mostly in my journal, as a way to process life when the walls of my previously stable life began crashing down around me, and for the most part, that is still why I write: to process, to make sense of this world.  I must confess, writing continues to be, for me, extremely selfish.  I want to be heard.  I want to explain myself, for myself and to the world.  I want to share my journey with others because I’m desperate to find some sort of connection with those I love and have left physically in other parts of the world.  I write because I believe that my voice matters.  Which isn’t always true.  And so I write to convince myself that- regardless of the fact that I am one of millions, that my voice may or may not add something new to this world- my voice matters.  If I believe nothing else about this world, or about my place in the world, I have to believe that my voice matters.  And so, before I continue, I want to take a moment to say thank you.  Thank you for traveling with me this far, and if you’ll continue reading, I’ll actually tell you about my life.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m now working as a Kitchen Assistant.  And before you judge too harshly, let me tell you about why I love it, and why I’m not changing jobs anytime soon (you’re welcome Mare).  I’m working in a kitchen.  I make food, really good food, and I’m learning so much.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, desserts, snacks, we do it all.  In a typical day, we serve 50-60 people three meals a day, which for many of the students who eat our food, is more than they’ve ever had.  And since I mentioned our students, let me tell you about them.  They’re brilliant. And creative.  And funny.  And fearless.  Most of them live in southern California, and go to school at alternative schools because public school hasn’t worked out for them.  For all of you public school teachers out there, don’t take this personal.  I greatly admire the work you do, and your commitment to making the world a better place, one student and one day at a time.  Systematically however, our public school system is falling apart and no longer is able to support some of the most vulnerable students in this country, those who raise themselves and their younger siblings; those who move from home to home, and often school district to school district; those who have been taught fight or flight since the day they were born, and so feel that their only way to respond to conflict (internal or external) is to run away or lash out.  When you can’t sleep at home out of fear of drunk parents, when you move from school to school, when you have to work 30+ hours a week to put food on the table for your younger siblings, it’s hard to think about fractions, or grammar.  When you can’t see past the end of the week, it’s hard to believe that grades matter, because you’re never going to be in one place long enough to have them, or see their effects.  These are our students.

Not all of them come from as difficult of backgrounds as what I’ve just described, but these students are not the minority here at the Ranch.  The unifying factor for all of our students is that they attend one of the many Options for Youth, Opportunities for Learning, or Pathways in Education schools in California and, increasingly now, across the country.  These schools are not your traditional school classroom setting.  Each student enrolled receives an advisor/ primary teacher who is responsible for all of their credits.  At some schools, there are teachers who teach “normal” classes in math, science, reading, and the social sciences.  Other teachers spend all their time tutoring students one-on-one to get them caught up to their grade-level standards.  The learning that goes on in these classrooms is mostly independent study.  Each student receives a packet, or workbook, that has both the lesson and the exercises in it.  It is up to the students to complete their packet, and turn it in to their advisor to be graded.  In this way, students can complete their “units” and receive credits at their own pace; and attend class on their own schedule.  Many of our students, especially those who have jobs, only go to school twice a week to turn in their packets, ask questions, and get their next packet.  I have never been to one of these schools, and so cannot say personally how well this system works, but for most of our students, this option is a way for them to complete high school on their own time frame and to graduate with a high school diploma.  I’m not saying this system is perfect.  It does however, offer our students the ability to complete a high school education, even with all of the other shit going on in their lives. 

Our students at the Ranch all come from these schools.  Every two weeks, we get a new group of approximately 35 students.  Many of them have never been on an airplane before, and here they are, living on a small ranch in the middle of the Rocky Mountains.  These students stay for 11 days; during this time they get to ride horses and hike in the National Forest; they get 20 staff members who work with them daily, who share their struggles and listen to their stories; they get to make friends across racial and cultural lines, and witness a shared humanity that comes from living with people for 11 days.  If you’ve ever worked at camp, you get this.  Sure, we teach them about the natural history of Colorado, and how to write a 5 paragraph essay.  We also teach them how to look inside themselves and see qualities that no one has ever told them they could embody.  You are brave, we tell them.  You are smart, you are beautiful, you are valued, you are loved; we show them.   This life is yours, and you can make of it whatever you want.  There will be challenges, and there will be people who laugh in your face and send you back to the streets.  Do not let them tell you who you are and what you can accomplish in life.  Do not let them write your story.  You matter.  You are loved.  This is what we get to do at the Ranch. 

And so, here in this beautiful, crazy place, I work in the Kitchen.  I worked for eight months in student programming, and it was exhausting.  Rewarding and absolutely worth it, but exhausting.  And then my contract was over, I left, and every day I missed it.  I missed the people I worked with, I missed the positive environment, I missed being a part of something bigger, I missed feeling like I was making a difference in this world.  I also knew that my body was exhausted.  I couldn’t continue to work 12 hour days.  I couldn’t continue to pour my heart out into these students in the way I knew they deserved.  In the camp world, we call this being burnt out.  I was burnt out.  I didn’t want to get a job working retail, or working in a coffee shop; I didn’t want to leave the mountains, and so, after much sweet-talking, my friend convinced me to come back to the Ranch, to work for her, in the Kitchen.  I lovingly call her Chef, and I look up to her and admire her in ways she’ll never know.  She offered me a position in the kitchen, which I had thought would be temporary, and now I feel like I’ll be here for a while.  I get to learn new things every day.  I get to make things with my own two hands.  I am challenged by the people I work with to continue to grow and learn, to try new things, to constantly become better.  I’ve taken up baking, mostly because Chef hates baking, and I’ve found I’m really good at it.  We make garlic bread from scratch, baguettes, vegan sandwich bread, multi-grain bread, breakfast breads and muffins, cookies of all kinds, cakes and cupcakes for birthdays.  My decorating skills are a little lacking (mom, next time I’m home, you’ll have to teach me your cake decorating tips), but the process itself fuels my need to rise to the next challenge, and my desire to create something new, something delicious, out of the raw materials. 

We have a lot of fun in the kitchen.  There is hardly a day that goes by that we don’t end up laughing at ourselves, and sharing looks of wonder at what we’ve just made.  I feel more alive and more myself than I have in months.  When my dad died suddenly a few months ago, they were right there by my side.  We’ve cried together and laughed together, drank way too much together (water of course, we live at high-altitude).   My roommates, my friends, I owe so much to these people.  I love the ranch, and I thought when I moved back out here to work in the kitchen, that the ranch would sustain me and the kitchen would be just ok (sorry, Chef, but it’s true).  I was wrong, and I’ve never been happier about being wrong.  The little kitchen in which I work and play has become such a happy place for me. 

When I look back over my life, at the moment that brought me to the point I’m at today, I sometimes have to pause because never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself where I am right now.  I never had large career goals.  I want to work outside and I want to work with children.  Someday, I would like to go back to working with students full time.  As for right now, though, I’m really happy where I’m at.  I get paid to live and work in the Rocky Mountains.  I get to live an hour and a half away from family and friends in Denver, who lovingly offer their couches when I need a break from the isolation of the mountains.  I have amazing mentors, who are patient, kind, and more supportive than I ever could have asked for.  I have friends who cry with me and laugh with me, and make me feel comfortable and confident in my own skin.  The walk up to my house from my driveway sometimes takes a good 5 minutes of struggle through snow up to my knees.  Waking up before the sun comes up sucks.  The nearest grocery store is 30 min away.  Sometimes the food doesn’t turn out like I want it to.  And I love it.  I love the snow, I love early morning shifts and leaving work at 3:00pm, I love having everything I need up on my mountain.  And when things crash and burn in the kitchen (very literally), we problem solve.  It’s exhilarating. 

I definitely miss my camp family and the wonderful world of camp I left behind in order to come out to the mountains.  Someday, I will return to student programming, to group initiatives and ropes courses, to scheduling and facilitating crazy awesome programs.  I’ll make it back to one-on-ones with students over campfires, out of comfort zones.  I may be a bit rusty when I get back into it, but I’ll problem solve when I get there and make the most out of it.  For now, though, for now this is where I want to be, this is what I want to be doing. 

Soon I’ll be off to breakfast in Denver, and then I need to stop by the library and pick up some books.  I’m reading a brief introduction to Indian Philosophy, some essays by Toni Morrison, and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in French (trying to re-learn French for my trip to Europe this summer).  Tonight I’m meeting up with new friends I’ve made at the climbing gym, and tomorrow I’m back to work. 

And now you have it.  This is my life.  And my thoughts about it.  Thank you for reading, for staying connected.  I’d love to stay in touch with your lives as well, so shoot me a text, or write me a letter (I love snail mail).  15747 CO-7, Lyons CO.  Thank you for being a part of my journey, and for helping me make sense of this strange and wonderful world.  Sending you all my love, until I get to see you and tell you in person.

Being Genuine

I love my job.  I love that I get paid to think creatively and critically, paid to work through things with people who are wise and loving and willing to push me to think deeper.  I’ve been in the office this week, which might seem dull and boring, but when you get to work with brilliant minds it’s so much fun; when you are all working together to plan and be prepared for the summer, the energy is contagious.  Magic is happening. 

Part of what I’ve been thinking about lately is: what is camp culture?  What type of community do I want to be a part of this summer?  What is it that I want to embody, for myself and for the new counselors who will be arriving at camp here in about a week?  This is what I came up with:

Being Genuine, A Manifesto:

What does being genuine look like? The genuine part is living open and honest and vulnerably.  It’s living into our contracts; knowing our contracts and sharing our contracts.  Genuine is loving the good in the suck, finding joy-filled moments in the midst of the storm, and acknowledging there is hard in the good times, too.  Genuine is owning our stories, it’s loving those stories and knowing that we are more than the sum of our stories.  Genuine is how we live 24/7 with people who challenge us, with kids who cuss us out and do the opposite of what we ask; kids who push our buttons just to watch how we react.  Genuine means letting ourselves be supported; it means asking for help, and letting others see that we are imperfect, too.  This is genuine.

We are all beautiful, broken people.  I can hate that, or I can love that; I choose to believe that.  Your story is not my story; I still feel those emotions.  I hear fear, I see lost and unwanted and confused written all over your face.  I feel my tears on your skin, or maybe they’re your tears on my skin.  Being genuine is letting this moment be.  Uncomfortable, awkward, whole-hearted, real.  Genuine is not embracing the suck, but embracing all of this, and seeing it as still beautiful.  It’s not survival mode of moment to moment, it’s looking up at the sun and smiling.  It’s looking up at the rain and smiling.  It’s looking into your eyes, looking into a mirror and smiling.  And not because we are beautiful and perfect, or because we are broken and pitiful, but because in our quest to do more, be more, to love harder, we are already there.  

We can invent ourselves and reinvent ourselves, and camp is a great place to do that, as long as the pieces you leave behind are the pieces you don’t need anymore.  Being genuine is letting these go.  Being genuine is walking bravely and with open arms into the unknown.  Being genuine is terrifying, being genuine invites change, being genuine means being open to whatever happens because no matter what happens, there is good – if only we are willing to, wanting to acknowledge its presence. 

Genuine is getting comfortable being uncomfortable.  It’s living openly- letting people see our strengths and our weaknesses; it’s living honestly- accepting that we are imperfect; it’s living vulnerably- seeing past walls and being seen without walls.  Genuine is loving with reckless abandon.  Genuine is a daily re-commitment.  Genuine is a choice.  Genuine is my choice.  Genuine. I hope you join me.  

Transitions

It has been a long winter here in the mountains.  I thought last weekend when it snowed two feet was the last of the snow, but we got dumped on again a few days ago, and even though it is now May, spring is just beginning to show up here.  I’m learning to be ok with that.  First, because I did move to the mountains for the winter, and second, because I’m slowly figuring out that life’s timing isn’t my own, and that’s ok.  Sometimes I’m ready for transition and sometimes I’m not, and regardless of how I’m feeling most days, life keeps moving on.  Ready or not, here it comes. 

I have been out here in Colorado for eight months now, and most of that time has been winter.  It snowed for the first time in mid-October and there’s still snow on the ground.  It has been a long season (in more ways than one), and now I’m getting ready to pack up my stuff and move back to Ohio for the summer.  I’m going to miss these mountains, but I’m really excited to begin this next adventure.

I’m getting ahead of myself, though.  Good-bye always happens before a new wave of hellos, and to be honest, I normally run away from good-byes.  They’re so hard.  Especially when I probably won’t “see you later.”   Good-bye to family and friends I know I am leaving for just a season, I’m better at that.  Walking away knowing I (more than likely) will never see you again, and even if I do, it won’t be the same; that breaks my heart.  I’m trying to process.  Trying to be ok feeling my feelings.  It’s what we tell our students:  It’s ok to be not ok.  Feel what you’re feeling.  Don’t be afraid to let it out.  It’s a lot easier to say then it is to do, however, and I’m not great at emotions.  Most of the time, I’m fine (feelings inside, not expressed).  Most of the time, I like to pretend I don’t need the people around me, because that would be admitting I don’t have it all together and I’m not super woman, and it makes good-bye so much harder when you actually care about and for the people you are leaving.  Maybe that’s why I try to keep the world at arms’ length so much.  Because I want to be always ready to leave and take all of myself with me when I go, not leaving my heart in the arms of others. 

I don’t think good-bye ever gets easier.  I don’t think I want it to.  It’s hard, and it breaks my heart, but I’ve lived so many years a shut book, so afraid of people leaving I didn’t let anyone in.  And I was miserable.  It has only been recently, these last few years, that I have been able to let myself be truly loved by those around me.  It makes good-bye so much harder, but it makes living so much more joyful.  I have to keep believing that that matters. 

In less than I week, I get to say good-bye to my family out here in the mountains, and set off to my family back in Ohio.  I want to take this moment to celebrate good-bye.  To be not ok, to feel what I’m feeling, to let it out, because I’m alive and I can feel these things, and I have people to feel them about. 

So here it is: Roommate, you are my everything, my rock, and my cloud.  Thank you for sharing all of this crazy roller coaster ride with me.  I don’t know who I would be without you.  You make me a better person and I’m going to miss your constant companionship.  Housemates, you have taught me so much, and not just about how to live with lots of personalities in the frathouse.  Your love inspires me daily.  Thank you for endless kitchen parties; for all the times I’ve laughed till I cried.  My Ranch family, I hardly have words.  They say you get to pick your friends, but not your family.  I’m happy that you are both.  You are the reason I’m smiling when there is nothing to smile about.  Anna, you are so special.  I’m going to miss our time hanging out together, doing nothing, talking about all the little things.  You have saved me out here, in more ways than I can count; long talks in the car and spontaneous road trips to name a few.  To the mountains, the snow, the windy roads that get me places I never thought I’d be, today I celebrate; life has taken me places better than even my wildest imaginations. 

That is not to say that there have not been bumps along the road, or long days full of tears.  There has been heartache and heartbreak, so many stories shared over boxes of Kleenex, and raw emotions brought to the surface, scary feelings we don’t always know how to deal with.  There has been bumps in the road, literal and figurative, and there is still more to celebrate, more life to live.  No, I haven’t started packing.  No, I don’t know when I’ll be back in Cincinnati.  My body still aches from hiking and working 30 hour shifts.  I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cried in the past week.  I can’t do everything I want to; can’t be in two perfect worlds at the same time; I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient.  (That song came on just as I was typing it, and it fit.  Shameless plug, if you’re in Cincy May 7, go see The Front Bottoms at Bogarts.) 

Loving life, and whatever its version of perfect is, will never be easy, or convenient, and it more often than not will not be what I am planning for.  But if I let it, it can be better.  It has been.  I like to make lists and plans, but I’m learning to trust in whatever the universe has in store.  Learning that just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad (and oftentimes it’s really good).  And so, good-bye is hard right now, because there’s so much I’m taking away and so much of myself I’m leaving in the mountains with my friends.  This adventure has not been what I expected, and for that I am extremely grateful. 

And whether I’m ready or not, the time has come to move on.  More days of tears are in store, more days of unconditional love, more days of hugs and laughter and surprises.  And now I prepare to leave this place I’ve grown to love more than I ever imagined.  I might be back.  I might not.  Sometime I’m ok with that, and sometimes I’m not.  Regardless, in a few days I get to say good-bye to life out here; the time will come for me to embrace my friends for the last time, and with those same open arms, I will continue to walk forward, to embrace whatever it is that is next.  

Thoughts from a Snowy April Morning

I don’t listen to Christian music often because, quite honestly, most of it makes me sick, but on the rare occasion I find myself in the mood, I love to listen to the lyrics.  Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, or because I love poetry; regardless, if I’m going to fall in love with a song, the lyrics have got to be something special.  There’s a whole lot more going on with music, the way certain sounds make you feel sad or happy or make you think deep thoughts, but my mind picks out the lyrics above all else. 

There’s a song by little-known Presbyterian singer-songwriter David LaMotte that has been drifting around my head recently.  The refrain goes “I meant what I said Peter, put down your sword.  Did you forget?  Did you think I was joking?  This is not why I’m here, Peter, not to destroy; the world is already so broken.  Maybe you think I’m a fool, maybe a fool is what I am.” 

In a popular Christianity where militaristic language dominates and God is transformed into a give/take philosophy, where God gives (remember manna in the desert?) and we take (all of creation belongs to us after all), it is a helpful to remember that there are ordinary radicals who refuse to conform to this way of thinking.  In high school and college, I “gave up” being Christian.  I still went to church and youth group, and sought out Christian friends whose love and confidence radiated, drawing me in like a moth to a candle, but I really struggled calling myself Christian because I didn’t want to be associated with what I was learning about what the Christian community believed and did.  A community obsessed with militaristic language, talking about God as King and Father (both words that hold very negative connotations for me), a power-hungry ruler of the universe who demands blood and is content to watch the world kill itself off because “the believers” are winning (and I’ve never believed the ends justify the means). 

I’ve always defended religion as a substitute for talking about world-view, for how we think and act and talk about and live in this world, but I found it extremely hard to continue to align myself with a group of people who believe nothing I do and who act in ways that make me cringe.  This was no longer my world-view and so I gave up the title as well. 

I will forever understand parts of this world-view; the desire to belong, for complete forgiveness, for a reason behind everything; the feeling of being “saved” and knowing that I was an exclusive member of the in-group headed for eternal happiness.  It’s enticing.  And yet, I can’t.  The hypocrisy of the popular Christian movement troubles me greatly, and yet I still find myself coming back to the theology and the lives of ordinary radicals: Mother Teresa, Dorothy Day, Frances of Assisi. 

It gives me hope.  It gives me hope to know that there are people out there who love life and others, and who give of themselves expecting nothing in return, and it is this that makes them happy.  Little microcosms of love lived out, without asking anything in return.  People who still believe in miracles because they witness daily that lives can be transformed because their life is constantly being transformed by the people they live and work with.  People who trust that there is enough in this world for all of us – food, water, shelter, love – if only we are willing to accept that our vision of perfect isn’t always what the universe has in store. 

It gives me hope, that there are communities of people who live with conviction and who act out of compassion.  It gives me hope that these people have taken a foundation that in so much popular culture is a source of hate and greed, and used it to create communities of love.  There is so much good out there.  There is so much love and compassion; normal people who choose acts kindness to strangers.  On days when religion becomes synonymous with “backwards” and “ignorant” I want to give up on it completely.  And yet, Liberation Theology, Catholic Social Teaching, and the everyday examples of outstanding people, as well as everyday people committed to acting out of unconditional love; these give me hope.

I still don’t believe in much of the doctrine.  Or the importance of said doctrine.  I don’t like the patriarchal language and imagery used to talk about “God.”  I can’t stand the obsession evangelicals have with the concept of being “saved.”  I don’t get how threats of eternity in Heaven and Hell are used as a scare tactic to get people to conform to your way of thinking.  And it really makes me mad when people use Christianity to propagate hate.  I don’t like it.  And most days it’s really hard to engage in conversations about why that’s not the Christianity I believe in. 

Because this religion, it’s not one singular world-view.  It’s a mix of love and hate and mixed messages about how to act in the world.  It can be used for good.  It can be used for evil.  It is not the story or the lessons or the traditions that are innately good or bad.  It’s what we do with them.  And I choose to see through a lens of love.  That this creator of the universe isn’t damning people to “hell” because a missionary didn’t make it to their small village in time to “save” everyone.  I can’t believe in that kind of god.  I believe Jesus left us with a legacy to love unconditionally, and that makes sense to me.  Unconditional love to everyone in the world, that there is always a third option between the two extremes, that we can use our own creativity to work through even the most difficult of situations.  There is not just life or death, heaven or hell, in or out, but a new creation in which we are able to see past barriers to the humanity, the dignity, the divinity in everyone and everything. 

This is how I see the world, and how I want to be in this world.  I want to live without holding back; I want to love expecting nothing in return.  I want to trust in the universe enough to believe in miracles, to recognize when there are things outside of my own understanding, but that doesn’t mean they are untrue.  Call me Christian if you want, or call me a heretic, I still don’t think the title matters. Maybe you think I’m a fool; maybe a fool is what I am.  But at the end of the day, I’m human- just like you- and that is what matters. 

boxcars and baobab trees

Exactly a month ago I was just getting home for the first time in since moving to Colorado.  I had no idea what the break was going to bring, but had no idea the extent of what would come my way.  Lots of questions, lots of clarity.  It always amazes me how the two come in pairs.  Chaos and confusion, frustration and uncomfortable situations, and still, there arises out of it all clarity, heart-felt moments of connection, times of deep joy.  What do I look for?  How do I make sense of what lies before me, even as I ponder what I left behind?  If you’ve spent much time with me, you probably know I like to over-think things.  I look for questions.  I look for other ways of looking at things, and yet I often find myself stuck on one train of thought, going forever in one direction, forgetting that there’s more than one destination to arrive at. 

I have more options than one or the other, stay on or get off.  It’s terrifying to even think of leaving the security, but there’s so much more out there!  And yet, isn’t that part of what’s keeping me inside?  It’s terrifying.  There’s so much out there.  I’m safe here, the inside of this train car may not be the most comfortable, or the nicest, or even have what I want on board, but at least I know what’s here.  I know what to expect, how to make sense of things.  I can look out the window and admire the passing scenery from the comfort of my recliner, question what is happening outside the window, wonder at the coolness of the stream, the warmth of the rocks, and never have to leave.  In this safety, I like to question the world. 

College for me was one giant boxcar.  It was one of the safest places I ever could imagine myself living.  Don’t get me wrong, it challenged my assumptions of the world, it challenged my assumptions of myself, it made me question almost everything I had previously been taught to believe about the way the world works, yet I still lived in a bubble.  On a few occasions, I threw myself off the train.  Once I ended up in rural West Africa.  I was miserable, but I knew I was suffocating and I needed some air.  And still, I was so terrified of what I found, I happily went back to my boxcar afterward to “process.”  I needed the safety, the comfort, the support of everyone and everything I knew before if I was really to make sense of what lay outside.  The river was cool, but it was full of garbage and dead fish; the rocks that made up the road were warm, too warm, and I, unlike so many others, was wearing shoes.  It was everything I expected, yes, and everything I was afraid it would be. 

I needed the boxcar that was my carefully constructed life in college to help keep me from losing my mind.  If you’ve been lucky enough to go abroad, you know the feeling of returning home.  It’s a joyous celebration to be back where life again follows a course of action where you know the rules, know how to sit and when to talk, know which words to use to convey what it is that’s in your head, your heart, no longer have to defend every move you make (to yourself or to others). 

After all of this, my boxcar was a welcome retreat from being bombarded for months with all things strange, and wonderful.  And yet, it was there, underneath the foliage of a 500-year-old baobab tree, that I first realized, there is always good in the bad.  There is always source of joy and beauty in the chaos, the frustration, the confusion. 

I find myself coming back to this moment often.  It’s not a comfortable place to be, even after all this time.  Recognizing that there is meaning in the chaos, beauty in every unpleasant moment, joy in moments where grey skies seem to blanket the world in sorrow.  There is always one in the other.  On days when chaos and confusion and sorrow abound, this is a comforting thought.  It helps me look for the ray of sunlight, to hold onto hope that it exists, even if I can’t see it in this very moment.  It’s a happy thought, knowing that if I can find a different way of looking at things, I’ll be able to see the joy, see the meaning, see the beauty I know I’m missing. 

I climbed a mountain yesterday; elevation change of 2,500 feet in 3.5 miles.  It was hard when I climbed it in September, maybe it should have been easier now that my body and lungs have adjusted to living at altitude, but when you’re walking on snow, it doesn’t really matter how well prepared you are.  The trail was never not covered in snow, and where it hadn’t mostly turned to ice, you’d have to watch your step so that your foot didn’t fall 10-20inches deep in snow.  We slid all the way up the mountain, and all the way back down.  Today, my body feels like I got hit by a train.  I wish you could have seen the view from the top, though.  It’s something I will always remember.  Even as I forget how cold I was sitting at the top with the wind whistling all around us, how my legs ached with every slippery step, I will remember the majesty of looking at the world from way up high.  There was nothing to obscure the view of Mount Meeker and Long’s Peak; there they stood in all their glory, with only the wind and the sunshine between us.  I wanted to stay there forever.  Because even though I was freezing, I was hungry, I was in physical pain, there was such joy both surrounding me and within me.  In the midst of all of the bad things, there it was, a glimpse of delight, of deep satisfaction.  Times like this, it’s easy to recognize and fall in love with those few good things because they’re literally right in front of you. 

When everything is good though, when life is the best it’s ever been, it’s harder to accept that there’s good in the bad, because it means that there’s also not-so-good floating around, too.  And that’s hard.  Acknowledging that even though I wouldn’t trade this life I’m living for anything in the world, I still get homesick on occasion.  I still miss aspects of the life I left in Ohio.  I still have bad days occasionally, I get grumpy even as my friends try to cheer me up and lavish me with love.  It’s almost harder to acknowledge those bad feelings when everything else is going right.  I want to just see the good things; I want the love that surrounds me to always be enough.  And yet, it isn’t always.  I miss morning coffee in college, “quiet time” that ended up not-so-quiet because we found we could share what was once only allowed in our journals to be shared aloud; I miss the chaos of the camp dining hall filled with 200+ smiling faces and the anticipation of what’s to come; I miss short naps on the couch and going out with friends ready to dance the night away; I miss waking up early every Sunday, regardless of what happened Saturday night, because smiles and love (and breakfast) were waiting.

I don’t like this uncomfortable longing that I feel in the pit of my stomach.  I want this feeling to go away.  I want to not miss all this, I want to not long for the good things I left behind; it makes my heart hurt.  I know I don’t want to go back, I know I don’t want to give up any part of the life I now lead.  I’m happy, life is really really good, and still the feelings arise, and I can’t will them to go away. 

I can’t will this longing in the pit of my stomach away, and it transports me back to the baobab tree.  It transports me back to the time when I stood absolutely mystified at how life could be so hard and so beautiful at the same time.  It’s been a while since I’ve thought of this tree.  I hope it’s still standing, hope that it’s still a part of this strange and beautiful world.  I hope it’s still offering its wisdom, I hope people are still listening.  I don’t like this feeling in my heart that comes from missing a life I once lived, but I’m so happy for all that has been, both good and bad, that has brought me to this point.  It is because of the hard days that I try to forget and because of the love that I miss, that I’m able to be who I am today.  I wouldn’t trade that for the world. 

And as uncomfortable as the feeling of missing things is, it reminds me to reach out.  It reminds me to write, to make a phone call, to send my love to those who have loved me so hard, and still do.  This living in the moment, being here now, it’s important.  It reminds me of all that I love about where I am.  It’s also important, even though it’s uncomfortable, to remember all of what was, the good in the bad and the bad in the good, that brought me to now.  Some sort of wholeness exists, between the past and the present and the future; it fills in the cracks of time, of space, of my own thoughts and feelings.  It’s a hard place to be, loving even the uncomfortable, thankful for the longing that makes me remember, but it’s here.  I’m here.  To deny it won’t do any good, and to forget what got me here, I wouldn’t want either. 

I’m learning not to be afraid, of what lies inside my heart and of what lies outside my boxcar.  I’m learning not to be afraid of taking the risk that it just might be better than what I have currently surrounded myself with.  It makes me anxious.  I don’t know what to expect, and I’ll probably end up missing what I have now.  Love it all, now, while I have it.  There will always be more out there, and there will always be something I long for from the past; that’s what makes me human.  That’s what makes me alive.  So here’s to missing the past- for it makes me remember all the love; here’s to embracing all that is now- the confusion and the joy; and here’s to what’s to come, whatever it may be, that I have the courage to find out.

            

me, right now

I’ve been away for quite some time, now.  It’s not from lack of opportunity, or lack of things to write about, but sometimes when there’s so much happening, so much I want to write about, I can’t seem to find the right words.  It all mixes together, and instead of meaningful thoughts and understandings, it all seems to come out sounding like white noise, just there, but not creating anything worth listening to.  I sat down to write on multiple occasions, but what resulted felt fake; like someone hijacked my heart, took everything inside of it, and forced it into a grey mass, like what you see on the side of the road days after it snows but nothing has melted.  Exhaust has turned what was once a beautiful, white blanket of snow into a gross mess of sludge. 

Maybe my own exhaustion turned what was in my heart to sludge.  There’s been so much to do!  The holiday season comes with so much- saying good-bye to some friends, traveling across the country, re-connecting with family and friends from home, and that’s not even including the holiday part, going shopping, cleaning the house, cooking for hours and hours, being social, and trying to answer the questions “how are you?” and “how’s Colorado?” and “what are you doing out there?” with honesty and respect and a single sentence.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an absolutely amazing month- I wouldn’t trade a day of it for anything- but I’m really really happy being back, here at the coffee shop, the mountains in front of me and behind me, hot coffee in hand, sitting down to write with a full heart.

Many of you know, and for those of you who don’t, these past two weeks of work at the Ranch have been staff training.  We don’t get our next group of students until Tuesday the 19^th, and as such, the Ranch has been really empty feeling lately.  Many of you who are teachers will understand the feeling of anticipation, an empty classroom waiting for the arrival of students to fill the chairs with their bodies and the air with their laughter.  I love this.  I love helping create a space that will soon be filled with smiles and laughter, and so much potential that you can almost see it in the air.  The other side of this, though, is the emptiness that sometimes we create, in anticipation for something better to fill it.  I’ve lived my life like this for some time now, always chasing the next adventure, absolutely certain that somewhere, anywhere, the grass really would be greener than what is here now.  It’s exhausting, this type of living. 

Maybe it is my own exhaustion that turns what’s in my heart to sludge; that blurs the colors and makes everything look grey.  Everything here, that is.  Everything across the ocean, across the country, even across the room sometimes, what’s over there remains vibrant. 

Until recently. 

Last week, I had my mid-term review with my supervisors.  It’s hard to believe that I’ve already been here for half of my contract, but that’s a tangent for another day.  Something the ranch manager said during this has stuck with me, and I haven’t been able to shake it.  We were talking about my goals for these next four months, and I was talking about improving my confidence while speaking in front of big groups.  It’s something I’ve been working on for a while.  It makes me so anxious to stand in front of a group and present anything.  I doubt what I’m saying, I doubt my ability to communicate clearly, I doubt if what I have to say is really worth listening to.  I was rambling about having the confidence to speak as if I believed that my voice mattered, and my manager interrupts me.  “So do you just not see it?”  It almost knocked the wind out of me.  Do you just not see it?  Do you not see that you do speak with confidence, you do communicate clearly, you do have something worth listening to? 

I didn’t.  I still don’t know if I truly believe it, but his words aren’t going away, and there’s a reason they’re sticking around. 

I wrote a poem the other day called “longing,” and I’d like to share some it here.

Longing:

            To create… out of my whole being;

To see… the world as already complete, to take the pieces and not be afraid to re-arrange;

To risk… because it is the only way I’ll ever know: the grass isn’t greener on the other side- Surprise! Snow isn’t green;

To act… out of the core of my being; not afraid of my body, not afraid of my mind.  I tell myself these mantras constantly, you’d think by now I’d learn their truth;

To embrace… why I’m afraid of my body, why I’m afraid of my mind, why I’m afraid of the world more often than not.  I’m so afraid of the person I don’t want to be I can hardly see how the person I am now is who I want to be. 

To believe… the person I am now is who I want to be.

I’ve spent a long time being unhappy with myself.  I think part of it comes from the constant drive to be better, and to emulate the best characteristics of all of the people around me.  It’s not bad to want to be better, but it has blinded me, on many levels, to the beauty that is what I already have, who I already am. 

I love who I am.  I love my life.  I love that I get to live and work in an amazing place with amazing people.  I’m so blessed for all of you, my family and friends all over the world who choose to follow my blog, who believed before I did, that I really do have something to say, something worth listening to, worth reading about.  I’m finally beginning to see it.  Thanks for listening, for reading; for lighting candles of creativity, compassion, passion, and love deep within my soul even before I was able to really see it. 

Some days I’m still doubtful, but I’m beginning to believe, more and more every day, that this person I already am, right here, right now, is already all of the things I’m longing for.  It’s a great place to be.  

thoughts on joy and love

Sometimes you think you know everything about life, and then surprise! You get a message from a friend, or hear a snipet of a conversation not meant for your ears, or catch an unexpected smile from someone you thought you knew turns things on end.  Sometimes I wonder how I even know anything.  How I always mistakenly assume what I know for the truth, even as it crashes over me like a wave, time and time again, and just as often.  This conviction in the midst of chaos, of certain, constant change, of knowing I will never know everything, and I still make lists. 

Inspired by a TedTalk during my junior year of college, I created my first list of things I know to be true.  The list was a desperate attempt to put into words the change in my own worldview that took place over the previous year of my life.  Two months in Oregon, three months in Guinea, two weeks in my house, at last, that no longer felt like home, two weeks in Thailand and Myanmar, and then finally back to my little college in rural Ohio.  What did I know about the world?  What did I know about myself?  Was I sure about anything?  I knew a lot of negatives: life is not fair, the world is not complete, there is not always reason for actions, some things just don’t make sense, and never will.  This was my list of things I knew, but I was unsatisfied that that was all I “knew” to be true, because it was a list full of anger and uncertainty.  These may have been true at one time, true for me, but I still felt incomplete, felt like there was something I was missing. 

Fast forward to the next fall.  I’m camping with some of my best friends in the mountains of North Carolina; I feel that I can finally think clearly for the first time in a long time.   I take a walk by myself as the sun is setting, illuminating the sky and the whole world below.  My list of things I know changes.  I call it my list of beliefs.  I believe that there is love in this world.  I believe that everything is somehow connected to everything else.  I believe that I’ll never know the meaning to some things, but just because it evades me, doesn’t mean meaning, somewhere, doesn’t exist.  May not sound like much of a creed, but it felt right, at that moment.  It felt like I was at least going in the right direction.  Felt right, in my heart and mind and body.  I wanted to articulate a few more “things I knew,” but three was all I got, and so I let it be. 

Almost a year later, I’m sitting with students whose names I didn’t know ten days ago, but who now hold a special piece of my heart.  We’re supposed to be letting go of things we’ve held on to for too long, so that we can make space for those things that uplift us, positive things that illuminate out lives like the candles we lit last night, spreading light in the darkness, warmth where there had been none.  I was filled with awe at the changing color of the aspen trees.  The vibrant yellow against the green of the pines, the gray and brown of the rocks, the blue sky.  This is love.  This is the love of the sun, of the world, of life giving life, here for us to partake, or no, but here regardless.  It’s all connected.  And it’s all love.  The sunshine kisses the leaves, the wind embraces the mountains, myself, wrapping us all in comfort.  This is love. 

Love means nothing, if not connection.  Love is only shared.  It has to be, can only be, and so this thing that wraps the world in light and warmth, it is shared with me.  And I get to share it with others. 

And what is connection without genuine vulnerability?  The thing that scares me most in the world, letting my guard down against the world, the thing that leads to deep sadness, as well as deep joy.  We don’t know what path vulnerability will lead us down when we set out.  As we risk things we hold dear to us, our views of ourselves and the world, what is waiting for us around the next bend?  Disappointment?  Fear?  Loss, grief, confusion, sadness?  Or will we find joy?  Gratitude, affirmation, wonder, pleasure, happiness?  What is it that we open ourselves up to, each time we risk? 

Last night I got to spend a wonderful night with my roommates, hanging out, watching a movie, just enjoying life together.  In a week, two of them will be leaving us, going back to places that were first home, and even though I’ve only known them for three months, I’m going to miss them a lot.  I knew that they were leaving when I started.  What’s more, I knew that I would be leaving shortly, and still we became friends.  It would have been hard not to, as we all live and work together, but still, sitting on the couch together last night, I realized something I had missed before.  I’m happy here.  Really and truly happy here.  I miss home.  I miss having internet access and cell phone service.  I don’t always enjoy the 30+ hour shifts I pull a few times a week.  The stories I hear from our students often bounce around my head at night and make it hard to sleep.  Sometimes I wish I lived closer than a half hour drive to a good cup of coffee.  Even with all those things, I’m happy here.

Coming out here was a huge risk.  I knew no one I would be working with.  Didn’t even know exactly where I was going.  If I’m being honest, I wasn’t even sure what I would be doing, specifically, besides “hanging out with high school students.”  I packed my life up in a car I had bought (and learned to drive) two weeks previous, stuffed extra pain meds into my backpack, looked up at the stars, and set off.  I couldn’t, and still can’t, articulate what drew me out here, but I knew I had to go.  The same inner stirring that lead me to a small city in West Africa, the same conviction that there’s more to life than what I’ve known thus far, and the desire to learn all that I can about it.  This could have been a disaster. 

This could have, very easily, gone bad quick.  I live and work with the same 14 people.  Anything more than a pizza place is a half hour drive away.  It’s cold here.  I’m far away from the comforts of home.  My drive to work is five minutes, and I get to look at the mountains the entire way.  The students we work with exhaust me and inspire me every day.  My housemates here my best friends.  I get to paid to hike mountains.  Life is an adventure, and I love it.  This could have gone any direction.  When I set off three months ago, I didn’t know which direction it would go, but I had said yes to the journey, walked to the edge of the diving board, and trusted that the world would catch me. 

When we set off, we can’t know for sure where we’ll end up.  That’s the thrill, the adventure, the really scary part of vulnerability.  Will I make friends?  Will I find some sort of fulfillment?  Will people respect me?  Will I feel valued and important?  Will I find joy?  What will happen when I open myself up to others?  Is it worth the risk?  There’s no way to know.  Last time I crossed the country, then crossed the ocean, it wasn’t easy; joy was evasive, life was frustrating and chaotic.  And so, two years later, I set off again.  Hoping it would turn out better, terrified it wouldn’t, determined to find something I hadn’t even known I was looking for a few months ago.  In a world filled with material comforts and friends I had overlooked, I went off in search of adventure and found joy-filled gratitude.  Joy is always possible because there is always, always, something to be thankful for.   At home, I became so blinded by the call to adventure I missed enjoying what I did have, friendships built on years of shared hearts, the familiarity of a city I grew up in.  And even here, some days I miss home so much I fail to notice the beauty of the mountains and the love of my housemates.  It’s here, though.  At home, in Colorado, wherever I go. 

Vulnerability is always worth the risk because wherever I go, joy is possible.  There is always, always, something to be thankful for.  Where I find grace, where I allow myself to be loved and share the love within me, there I find joy.  May you, too, find joy wherever you are this holiday season. 

Love always,

Bridget