Being Genuine

I love my job.  I love that I get paid to think creatively and critically, paid to work through things with people who are wise and loving and willing to push me to think deeper.  I’ve been in the office this week, which might seem dull and boring, but when you get to work with brilliant minds it’s so much fun; when you are all working together to plan and be prepared for the summer, the energy is contagious.  Magic is happening. 

Part of what I’ve been thinking about lately is: what is camp culture?  What type of community do I want to be a part of this summer?  What is it that I want to embody, for myself and for the new counselors who will be arriving at camp here in about a week?  This is what I came up with:

Being Genuine, A Manifesto:

What does being genuine look like? The genuine part is living open and honest and vulnerably.  It’s living into our contracts; knowing our contracts and sharing our contracts.  Genuine is loving the good in the suck, finding joy-filled moments in the midst of the storm, and acknowledging there is hard in the good times, too.  Genuine is owning our stories, it’s loving those stories and knowing that we are more than the sum of our stories.  Genuine is how we live 24/7 with people who challenge us, with kids who cuss us out and do the opposite of what we ask; kids who push our buttons just to watch how we react.  Genuine means letting ourselves be supported; it means asking for help, and letting others see that we are imperfect, too.  This is genuine.

We are all beautiful, broken people.  I can hate that, or I can love that; I choose to believe that.  Your story is not my story; I still feel those emotions.  I hear fear, I see lost and unwanted and confused written all over your face.  I feel my tears on your skin, or maybe they’re your tears on my skin.  Being genuine is letting this moment be.  Uncomfortable, awkward, whole-hearted, real.  Genuine is not embracing the suck, but embracing all of this, and seeing it as still beautiful.  It’s not survival mode of moment to moment, it’s looking up at the sun and smiling.  It’s looking up at the rain and smiling.  It’s looking into your eyes, looking into a mirror and smiling.  And not because we are beautiful and perfect, or because we are broken and pitiful, but because in our quest to do more, be more, to love harder, we are already there.  

We can invent ourselves and reinvent ourselves, and camp is a great place to do that, as long as the pieces you leave behind are the pieces you don’t need anymore.  Being genuine is letting these go.  Being genuine is walking bravely and with open arms into the unknown.  Being genuine is terrifying, being genuine invites change, being genuine means being open to whatever happens because no matter what happens, there is good – if only we are willing to, wanting to acknowledge its presence. 

Genuine is getting comfortable being uncomfortable.  It’s living openly- letting people see our strengths and our weaknesses; it’s living honestly- accepting that we are imperfect; it’s living vulnerably- seeing past walls and being seen without walls.  Genuine is loving with reckless abandon.  Genuine is a daily re-commitment.  Genuine is a choice.  Genuine is my choice.  Genuine. I hope you join me.  

Transitions

It has been a long winter here in the mountains.  I thought last weekend when it snowed two feet was the last of the snow, but we got dumped on again a few days ago, and even though it is now May, spring is just beginning to show up here.  I’m learning to be ok with that.  First, because I did move to the mountains for the winter, and second, because I’m slowly figuring out that life’s timing isn’t my own, and that’s ok.  Sometimes I’m ready for transition and sometimes I’m not, and regardless of how I’m feeling most days, life keeps moving on.  Ready or not, here it comes. 

I have been out here in Colorado for eight months now, and most of that time has been winter.  It snowed for the first time in mid-October and there’s still snow on the ground.  It has been a long season (in more ways than one), and now I’m getting ready to pack up my stuff and move back to Ohio for the summer.  I’m going to miss these mountains, but I’m really excited to begin this next adventure.

I’m getting ahead of myself, though.  Good-bye always happens before a new wave of hellos, and to be honest, I normally run away from good-byes.  They’re so hard.  Especially when I probably won’t “see you later.”   Good-bye to family and friends I know I am leaving for just a season, I’m better at that.  Walking away knowing I (more than likely) will never see you again, and even if I do, it won’t be the same; that breaks my heart.  I’m trying to process.  Trying to be ok feeling my feelings.  It’s what we tell our students:  It’s ok to be not ok.  Feel what you’re feeling.  Don’t be afraid to let it out.  It’s a lot easier to say then it is to do, however, and I’m not great at emotions.  Most of the time, I’m fine (feelings inside, not expressed).  Most of the time, I like to pretend I don’t need the people around me, because that would be admitting I don’t have it all together and I’m not super woman, and it makes good-bye so much harder when you actually care about and for the people you are leaving.  Maybe that’s why I try to keep the world at arms’ length so much.  Because I want to be always ready to leave and take all of myself with me when I go, not leaving my heart in the arms of others. 

I don’t think good-bye ever gets easier.  I don’t think I want it to.  It’s hard, and it breaks my heart, but I’ve lived so many years a shut book, so afraid of people leaving I didn’t let anyone in.  And I was miserable.  It has only been recently, these last few years, that I have been able to let myself be truly loved by those around me.  It makes good-bye so much harder, but it makes living so much more joyful.  I have to keep believing that that matters. 

In less than I week, I get to say good-bye to my family out here in the mountains, and set off to my family back in Ohio.  I want to take this moment to celebrate good-bye.  To be not ok, to feel what I’m feeling, to let it out, because I’m alive and I can feel these things, and I have people to feel them about. 

So here it is: Roommate, you are my everything, my rock, and my cloud.  Thank you for sharing all of this crazy roller coaster ride with me.  I don’t know who I would be without you.  You make me a better person and I’m going to miss your constant companionship.  Housemates, you have taught me so much, and not just about how to live with lots of personalities in the frathouse.  Your love inspires me daily.  Thank you for endless kitchen parties; for all the times I’ve laughed till I cried.  My Ranch family, I hardly have words.  They say you get to pick your friends, but not your family.  I’m happy that you are both.  You are the reason I’m smiling when there is nothing to smile about.  Anna, you are so special.  I’m going to miss our time hanging out together, doing nothing, talking about all the little things.  You have saved me out here, in more ways than I can count; long talks in the car and spontaneous road trips to name a few.  To the mountains, the snow, the windy roads that get me places I never thought I’d be, today I celebrate; life has taken me places better than even my wildest imaginations. 

That is not to say that there have not been bumps along the road, or long days full of tears.  There has been heartache and heartbreak, so many stories shared over boxes of Kleenex, and raw emotions brought to the surface, scary feelings we don’t always know how to deal with.  There has been bumps in the road, literal and figurative, and there is still more to celebrate, more life to live.  No, I haven’t started packing.  No, I don’t know when I’ll be back in Cincinnati.  My body still aches from hiking and working 30 hour shifts.  I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cried in the past week.  I can’t do everything I want to; can’t be in two perfect worlds at the same time; I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient.  (That song came on just as I was typing it, and it fit.  Shameless plug, if you’re in Cincy May 7, go see The Front Bottoms at Bogarts.) 

Loving life, and whatever its version of perfect is, will never be easy, or convenient, and it more often than not will not be what I am planning for.  But if I let it, it can be better.  It has been.  I like to make lists and plans, but I’m learning to trust in whatever the universe has in store.  Learning that just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad (and oftentimes it’s really good).  And so, good-bye is hard right now, because there’s so much I’m taking away and so much of myself I’m leaving in the mountains with my friends.  This adventure has not been what I expected, and for that I am extremely grateful. 

And whether I’m ready or not, the time has come to move on.  More days of tears are in store, more days of unconditional love, more days of hugs and laughter and surprises.  And now I prepare to leave this place I’ve grown to love more than I ever imagined.  I might be back.  I might not.  Sometime I’m ok with that, and sometimes I’m not.  Regardless, in a few days I get to say good-bye to life out here; the time will come for me to embrace my friends for the last time, and with those same open arms, I will continue to walk forward, to embrace whatever it is that is next.  

Thoughts from a Snowy April Morning

I don’t listen to Christian music often because, quite honestly, most of it makes me sick, but on the rare occasion I find myself in the mood, I love to listen to the lyrics.  Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, or because I love poetry; regardless, if I’m going to fall in love with a song, the lyrics have got to be something special.  There’s a whole lot more going on with music, the way certain sounds make you feel sad or happy or make you think deep thoughts, but my mind picks out the lyrics above all else. 

There’s a song by little-known Presbyterian singer-songwriter David LaMotte that has been drifting around my head recently.  The refrain goes “I meant what I said Peter, put down your sword.  Did you forget?  Did you think I was joking?  This is not why I’m here, Peter, not to destroy; the world is already so broken.  Maybe you think I’m a fool, maybe a fool is what I am.” 

In a popular Christianity where militaristic language dominates and God is transformed into a give/take philosophy, where God gives (remember manna in the desert?) and we take (all of creation belongs to us after all), it is a helpful to remember that there are ordinary radicals who refuse to conform to this way of thinking.  In high school and college, I “gave up” being Christian.  I still went to church and youth group, and sought out Christian friends whose love and confidence radiated, drawing me in like a moth to a candle, but I really struggled calling myself Christian because I didn’t want to be associated with what I was learning about what the Christian community believed and did.  A community obsessed with militaristic language, talking about God as King and Father (both words that hold very negative connotations for me), a power-hungry ruler of the universe who demands blood and is content to watch the world kill itself off because “the believers” are winning (and I’ve never believed the ends justify the means). 

I’ve always defended religion as a substitute for talking about world-view, for how we think and act and talk about and live in this world, but I found it extremely hard to continue to align myself with a group of people who believe nothing I do and who act in ways that make me cringe.  This was no longer my world-view and so I gave up the title as well. 

I will forever understand parts of this world-view; the desire to belong, for complete forgiveness, for a reason behind everything; the feeling of being “saved” and knowing that I was an exclusive member of the in-group headed for eternal happiness.  It’s enticing.  And yet, I can’t.  The hypocrisy of the popular Christian movement troubles me greatly, and yet I still find myself coming back to the theology and the lives of ordinary radicals: Mother Teresa, Dorothy Day, Frances of Assisi. 

It gives me hope.  It gives me hope to know that there are people out there who love life and others, and who give of themselves expecting nothing in return, and it is this that makes them happy.  Little microcosms of love lived out, without asking anything in return.  People who still believe in miracles because they witness daily that lives can be transformed because their life is constantly being transformed by the people they live and work with.  People who trust that there is enough in this world for all of us – food, water, shelter, love – if only we are willing to accept that our vision of perfect isn’t always what the universe has in store. 

It gives me hope, that there are communities of people who live with conviction and who act out of compassion.  It gives me hope that these people have taken a foundation that in so much popular culture is a source of hate and greed, and used it to create communities of love.  There is so much good out there.  There is so much love and compassion; normal people who choose acts kindness to strangers.  On days when religion becomes synonymous with “backwards” and “ignorant” I want to give up on it completely.  And yet, Liberation Theology, Catholic Social Teaching, and the everyday examples of outstanding people, as well as everyday people committed to acting out of unconditional love; these give me hope.

I still don’t believe in much of the doctrine.  Or the importance of said doctrine.  I don’t like the patriarchal language and imagery used to talk about “God.”  I can’t stand the obsession evangelicals have with the concept of being “saved.”  I don’t get how threats of eternity in Heaven and Hell are used as a scare tactic to get people to conform to your way of thinking.  And it really makes me mad when people use Christianity to propagate hate.  I don’t like it.  And most days it’s really hard to engage in conversations about why that’s not the Christianity I believe in. 

Because this religion, it’s not one singular world-view.  It’s a mix of love and hate and mixed messages about how to act in the world.  It can be used for good.  It can be used for evil.  It is not the story or the lessons or the traditions that are innately good or bad.  It’s what we do with them.  And I choose to see through a lens of love.  That this creator of the universe isn’t damning people to “hell” because a missionary didn’t make it to their small village in time to “save” everyone.  I can’t believe in that kind of god.  I believe Jesus left us with a legacy to love unconditionally, and that makes sense to me.  Unconditional love to everyone in the world, that there is always a third option between the two extremes, that we can use our own creativity to work through even the most difficult of situations.  There is not just life or death, heaven or hell, in or out, but a new creation in which we are able to see past barriers to the humanity, the dignity, the divinity in everyone and everything. 

This is how I see the world, and how I want to be in this world.  I want to live without holding back; I want to love expecting nothing in return.  I want to trust in the universe enough to believe in miracles, to recognize when there are things outside of my own understanding, but that doesn’t mean they are untrue.  Call me Christian if you want, or call me a heretic, I still don’t think the title matters. Maybe you think I’m a fool; maybe a fool is what I am.  But at the end of the day, I’m human- just like you- and that is what matters. 

boxcars and baobab trees

Exactly a month ago I was just getting home for the first time in since moving to Colorado.  I had no idea what the break was going to bring, but had no idea the extent of what would come my way.  Lots of questions, lots of clarity.  It always amazes me how the two come in pairs.  Chaos and confusion, frustration and uncomfortable situations, and still, there arises out of it all clarity, heart-felt moments of connection, times of deep joy.  What do I look for?  How do I make sense of what lies before me, even as I ponder what I left behind?  If you’ve spent much time with me, you probably know I like to over-think things.  I look for questions.  I look for other ways of looking at things, and yet I often find myself stuck on one train of thought, going forever in one direction, forgetting that there’s more than one destination to arrive at. 

I have more options than one or the other, stay on or get off.  It’s terrifying to even think of leaving the security, but there’s so much more out there!  And yet, isn’t that part of what’s keeping me inside?  It’s terrifying.  There’s so much out there.  I’m safe here, the inside of this train car may not be the most comfortable, or the nicest, or even have what I want on board, but at least I know what’s here.  I know what to expect, how to make sense of things.  I can look out the window and admire the passing scenery from the comfort of my recliner, question what is happening outside the window, wonder at the coolness of the stream, the warmth of the rocks, and never have to leave.  In this safety, I like to question the world. 

College for me was one giant boxcar.  It was one of the safest places I ever could imagine myself living.  Don’t get me wrong, it challenged my assumptions of the world, it challenged my assumptions of myself, it made me question almost everything I had previously been taught to believe about the way the world works, yet I still lived in a bubble.  On a few occasions, I threw myself off the train.  Once I ended up in rural West Africa.  I was miserable, but I knew I was suffocating and I needed some air.  And still, I was so terrified of what I found, I happily went back to my boxcar afterward to “process.”  I needed the safety, the comfort, the support of everyone and everything I knew before if I was really to make sense of what lay outside.  The river was cool, but it was full of garbage and dead fish; the rocks that made up the road were warm, too warm, and I, unlike so many others, was wearing shoes.  It was everything I expected, yes, and everything I was afraid it would be. 

I needed the boxcar that was my carefully constructed life in college to help keep me from losing my mind.  If you’ve been lucky enough to go abroad, you know the feeling of returning home.  It’s a joyous celebration to be back where life again follows a course of action where you know the rules, know how to sit and when to talk, know which words to use to convey what it is that’s in your head, your heart, no longer have to defend every move you make (to yourself or to others). 

After all of this, my boxcar was a welcome retreat from being bombarded for months with all things strange, and wonderful.  And yet, it was there, underneath the foliage of a 500-year-old baobab tree, that I first realized, there is always good in the bad.  There is always source of joy and beauty in the chaos, the frustration, the confusion. 

I find myself coming back to this moment often.  It’s not a comfortable place to be, even after all this time.  Recognizing that there is meaning in the chaos, beauty in every unpleasant moment, joy in moments where grey skies seem to blanket the world in sorrow.  There is always one in the other.  On days when chaos and confusion and sorrow abound, this is a comforting thought.  It helps me look for the ray of sunlight, to hold onto hope that it exists, even if I can’t see it in this very moment.  It’s a happy thought, knowing that if I can find a different way of looking at things, I’ll be able to see the joy, see the meaning, see the beauty I know I’m missing. 

I climbed a mountain yesterday; elevation change of 2,500 feet in 3.5 miles.  It was hard when I climbed it in September, maybe it should have been easier now that my body and lungs have adjusted to living at altitude, but when you’re walking on snow, it doesn’t really matter how well prepared you are.  The trail was never not covered in snow, and where it hadn’t mostly turned to ice, you’d have to watch your step so that your foot didn’t fall 10-20inches deep in snow.  We slid all the way up the mountain, and all the way back down.  Today, my body feels like I got hit by a train.  I wish you could have seen the view from the top, though.  It’s something I will always remember.  Even as I forget how cold I was sitting at the top with the wind whistling all around us, how my legs ached with every slippery step, I will remember the majesty of looking at the world from way up high.  There was nothing to obscure the view of Mount Meeker and Long’s Peak; there they stood in all their glory, with only the wind and the sunshine between us.  I wanted to stay there forever.  Because even though I was freezing, I was hungry, I was in physical pain, there was such joy both surrounding me and within me.  In the midst of all of the bad things, there it was, a glimpse of delight, of deep satisfaction.  Times like this, it’s easy to recognize and fall in love with those few good things because they’re literally right in front of you. 

When everything is good though, when life is the best it’s ever been, it’s harder to accept that there’s good in the bad, because it means that there’s also not-so-good floating around, too.  And that’s hard.  Acknowledging that even though I wouldn’t trade this life I’m living for anything in the world, I still get homesick on occasion.  I still miss aspects of the life I left in Ohio.  I still have bad days occasionally, I get grumpy even as my friends try to cheer me up and lavish me with love.  It’s almost harder to acknowledge those bad feelings when everything else is going right.  I want to just see the good things; I want the love that surrounds me to always be enough.  And yet, it isn’t always.  I miss morning coffee in college, “quiet time” that ended up not-so-quiet because we found we could share what was once only allowed in our journals to be shared aloud; I miss the chaos of the camp dining hall filled with 200+ smiling faces and the anticipation of what’s to come; I miss short naps on the couch and going out with friends ready to dance the night away; I miss waking up early every Sunday, regardless of what happened Saturday night, because smiles and love (and breakfast) were waiting.

I don’t like this uncomfortable longing that I feel in the pit of my stomach.  I want this feeling to go away.  I want to not miss all this, I want to not long for the good things I left behind; it makes my heart hurt.  I know I don’t want to go back, I know I don’t want to give up any part of the life I now lead.  I’m happy, life is really really good, and still the feelings arise, and I can’t will them to go away. 

I can’t will this longing in the pit of my stomach away, and it transports me back to the baobab tree.  It transports me back to the time when I stood absolutely mystified at how life could be so hard and so beautiful at the same time.  It’s been a while since I’ve thought of this tree.  I hope it’s still standing, hope that it’s still a part of this strange and beautiful world.  I hope it’s still offering its wisdom, I hope people are still listening.  I don’t like this feeling in my heart that comes from missing a life I once lived, but I’m so happy for all that has been, both good and bad, that has brought me to this point.  It is because of the hard days that I try to forget and because of the love that I miss, that I’m able to be who I am today.  I wouldn’t trade that for the world. 

And as uncomfortable as the feeling of missing things is, it reminds me to reach out.  It reminds me to write, to make a phone call, to send my love to those who have loved me so hard, and still do.  This living in the moment, being here now, it’s important.  It reminds me of all that I love about where I am.  It’s also important, even though it’s uncomfortable, to remember all of what was, the good in the bad and the bad in the good, that brought me to now.  Some sort of wholeness exists, between the past and the present and the future; it fills in the cracks of time, of space, of my own thoughts and feelings.  It’s a hard place to be, loving even the uncomfortable, thankful for the longing that makes me remember, but it’s here.  I’m here.  To deny it won’t do any good, and to forget what got me here, I wouldn’t want either. 

I’m learning not to be afraid, of what lies inside my heart and of what lies outside my boxcar.  I’m learning not to be afraid of taking the risk that it just might be better than what I have currently surrounded myself with.  It makes me anxious.  I don’t know what to expect, and I’ll probably end up missing what I have now.  Love it all, now, while I have it.  There will always be more out there, and there will always be something I long for from the past; that’s what makes me human.  That’s what makes me alive.  So here’s to missing the past- for it makes me remember all the love; here’s to embracing all that is now- the confusion and the joy; and here’s to what’s to come, whatever it may be, that I have the courage to find out.

            

me, right now

I’ve been away for quite some time, now.  It’s not from lack of opportunity, or lack of things to write about, but sometimes when there’s so much happening, so much I want to write about, I can’t seem to find the right words.  It all mixes together, and instead of meaningful thoughts and understandings, it all seems to come out sounding like white noise, just there, but not creating anything worth listening to.  I sat down to write on multiple occasions, but what resulted felt fake; like someone hijacked my heart, took everything inside of it, and forced it into a grey mass, like what you see on the side of the road days after it snows but nothing has melted.  Exhaust has turned what was once a beautiful, white blanket of snow into a gross mess of sludge. 

Maybe my own exhaustion turned what was in my heart to sludge.  There’s been so much to do!  The holiday season comes with so much- saying good-bye to some friends, traveling across the country, re-connecting with family and friends from home, and that’s not even including the holiday part, going shopping, cleaning the house, cooking for hours and hours, being social, and trying to answer the questions “how are you?” and “how’s Colorado?” and “what are you doing out there?” with honesty and respect and a single sentence.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an absolutely amazing month- I wouldn’t trade a day of it for anything- but I’m really really happy being back, here at the coffee shop, the mountains in front of me and behind me, hot coffee in hand, sitting down to write with a full heart.

Many of you know, and for those of you who don’t, these past two weeks of work at the Ranch have been staff training.  We don’t get our next group of students until Tuesday the 19^th, and as such, the Ranch has been really empty feeling lately.  Many of you who are teachers will understand the feeling of anticipation, an empty classroom waiting for the arrival of students to fill the chairs with their bodies and the air with their laughter.  I love this.  I love helping create a space that will soon be filled with smiles and laughter, and so much potential that you can almost see it in the air.  The other side of this, though, is the emptiness that sometimes we create, in anticipation for something better to fill it.  I’ve lived my life like this for some time now, always chasing the next adventure, absolutely certain that somewhere, anywhere, the grass really would be greener than what is here now.  It’s exhausting, this type of living. 

Maybe it is my own exhaustion that turns what’s in my heart to sludge; that blurs the colors and makes everything look grey.  Everything here, that is.  Everything across the ocean, across the country, even across the room sometimes, what’s over there remains vibrant. 

Until recently. 

Last week, I had my mid-term review with my supervisors.  It’s hard to believe that I’ve already been here for half of my contract, but that’s a tangent for another day.  Something the ranch manager said during this has stuck with me, and I haven’t been able to shake it.  We were talking about my goals for these next four months, and I was talking about improving my confidence while speaking in front of big groups.  It’s something I’ve been working on for a while.  It makes me so anxious to stand in front of a group and present anything.  I doubt what I’m saying, I doubt my ability to communicate clearly, I doubt if what I have to say is really worth listening to.  I was rambling about having the confidence to speak as if I believed that my voice mattered, and my manager interrupts me.  “So do you just not see it?”  It almost knocked the wind out of me.  Do you just not see it?  Do you not see that you do speak with confidence, you do communicate clearly, you do have something worth listening to? 

I didn’t.  I still don’t know if I truly believe it, but his words aren’t going away, and there’s a reason they’re sticking around. 

I wrote a poem the other day called “longing,” and I’d like to share some it here.

Longing:

            To create… out of my whole being;

To see… the world as already complete, to take the pieces and not be afraid to re-arrange;

To risk… because it is the only way I’ll ever know: the grass isn’t greener on the other side- Surprise! Snow isn’t green;

To act… out of the core of my being; not afraid of my body, not afraid of my mind.  I tell myself these mantras constantly, you’d think by now I’d learn their truth;

To embrace… why I’m afraid of my body, why I’m afraid of my mind, why I’m afraid of the world more often than not.  I’m so afraid of the person I don’t want to be I can hardly see how the person I am now is who I want to be. 

To believe… the person I am now is who I want to be.

I’ve spent a long time being unhappy with myself.  I think part of it comes from the constant drive to be better, and to emulate the best characteristics of all of the people around me.  It’s not bad to want to be better, but it has blinded me, on many levels, to the beauty that is what I already have, who I already am. 

I love who I am.  I love my life.  I love that I get to live and work in an amazing place with amazing people.  I’m so blessed for all of you, my family and friends all over the world who choose to follow my blog, who believed before I did, that I really do have something to say, something worth listening to, worth reading about.  I’m finally beginning to see it.  Thanks for listening, for reading; for lighting candles of creativity, compassion, passion, and love deep within my soul even before I was able to really see it. 

Some days I’m still doubtful, but I’m beginning to believe, more and more every day, that this person I already am, right here, right now, is already all of the things I’m longing for.  It’s a great place to be.